I have a somewhat big list of fears. The one that comes to mind is spiders. I hate them, they're appalling and they freak me out, but I won't be discussing my arachnophobia.
The fear I'm refering to is something I don't normally think about. I try to not think about it. It's cold, it's frightening, it happens to someone everyday. It's death.
Death in movies doesn't scare me. Hearing about people dying in real life is what scares me the most. I always think about what somebody thinks and feels when someone they know dies. It breaks my heart. I could not bear to have someone close to me die. I don't think anybody would. I have dreams of people I know dying. It feels all too real and I sometimes wake up crying. It's honestly one of the worst feelings in the world.
Three years ago, my parents, my brother and I went to a hospital in Calgary to visit my mom's friend whose family had gotten into a terrible car accident. The father and daughter were in bad shape. The mother, surprisingly, wasn't harmed; just a few minor bumps and bruises. Later on that same day, my dad and I were discussing how lucky the family was to have survived. I remember I started crying. To think that that family was an inch away from death. It's a complete miracle.
To this day, hospitals give me more anxiety than before. I connect hospitals to sick people, and sick people to dying. I despise going to hospitals or even doctors for that matter.
Another story is when my and my family were in Miami, Florida back in 2009. Everyone was getting ready to go out. I was getting ready in the bathroom when I heard somebody wailing very loudly. I opened the door to see my distraught, teary mother sitting on the couch with my dad and brother and sister. Of course, I was confused and I asked my sister what happened. Those words still haunt me: "Mom's cousin, Myra, died." She died. She died. I was in shock. Myra and my mom were ever so close. They grew up together; they were like sisters. Such an unbreakable bond. I've heard my mom cry before, but that was just frightening. It broke my heart to see her like that. Myra was sick with cancer, so in a way, I suppose, it was a relief. But still, nobody wants their loved ones to die.
Death scares me, plain and simple. If I had to choose that or spiders, I would probably choose.... spiders. Gross. I try and supress the thought of someone close to me dying, but I always end up thinking about it. I know that everyone is going to die eventually; it's what nature intended, but there are times when I wish that we didn't have to.
Hi Geraldine
ReplyDeleteYour post was really poignant. It was full of pathos and I think that a lot of us can sympathize with your fear and how you feel. Sure; lots of people can retort by saying that they're actually aracnophobic or apiphobic. However, attributed to the innate feelings of love we have towards people we are close with, most humans are actually more fearful of a family member or friend's death rather than their own death. This may be an optimistic view of humans and cynics will criticize; yet, I too am one of those people who fear for the deaths of others. I often ask myself: What happens when somebody close to me passes away? Life is vastly different from computer games where you can simply "restart" whenever one of the dominant characters dies. Life is also a stark contrast from perennially popular shows where one of the main characters is revived by a "magic potion" or "Dues Ex Machina." In reality, none of those can happen. Once a person departs, it’s impossible to ever see them again. With that being said, I think that humans should have less conflicts with one another. Who knows, if you do have an altercation with someone, maybe the words - "I hate you" - will be the last ones you ever say to them.
Hey Geraldine,
ReplyDeleteI can empathize with your feelings. Although I have not experienced any near-death situations, I too, fear death. This is not a fear that I contemplate frequently, but when I do, the images of death remind me of pain, tears, separation and loss – all too realistic and horrifying to understand. To me, death is an irrational fear; perhaps mankind’s inescapability in this matter and its unpredictability with different shapes and forms is what makes it so fearful for all of us. Or perhaps, it is because death is the unkindly force which tears us away from those whom we love most.
To ask ourselves not to be afraid of death is impossible; to tell ourselves, “we need not be afraid of death,” is a lie. Death itself, in all its beauty or ugliness, is inevitable. We have and will continue to watch those we treasure and love depart, and us too, will meet death in the future. However, let us take this fear of death and use it as our source of inspiration, a sense of motivation. Knowing this, we can appreciate our time in this world and to truly love those around us.
Great post, Geraldine!